No Sex Please, We’re Army

Filed under Noted

I’m still feeling annoyed over the fact that I still have a huge box of bootleg movies and tv shows in my house. This annoyance is slightly overshadowed by the guilt I feel about being annoyed that Kate, my awesome bootleg DVD pipeline to soldiers in Iraq, died before she could help me declutter my script library.

I was retelling my sad tale of woe and too many directing samples to my friend Diana today. She cut me off half way through my whine with this statement:

“Stop complaining. You could have a porn surplus.”

Diana is one of those girls you want to grow up to be. You know, those girls who write about sex, laundry, whatever, and get paid for their writing services because everything they do and think about is fabulous. I hate her just a little bit sometimes.
Apparently, Diana has written enough articles about porn that the “other” film industry finds favorable, that she can’t get off the New Releases list of several porn production companies. So, every week another box arrives from Van Nuys filled with DVD masterworks with titles like “Holy Sploogey! Hot Gushie Nuns: 4” and “Trannie Granny: The Return of the Silver Fox.”

So I decide to be nice. I drive over to Diana’s office and take epic amounts of porn clutter off her hands. Even without nice Kate, how hard will it be to track down another person who is sending movies over to Iraq? And who would appreciate a nice box of factory sealed wank material more than a bunch of bored 19 year old soldiers? I can kill two birds with one stone. I can help out my friend Diana and I can I can be just as nice as Kate. Being nice is a cinch!

I email and call about 10 charities who put together care packages for soldiers. None of them want porn. I get hung up on twice before I can even ask about my ton of bootleg directing samples. Finally I get a nice lady on the phone who explains that the US armed forces frowns on pornography because they are trying to be sensitive to the values of the local muslim population. While religious tolerance is something I respect, why am I doubtful that the local Baghdad population ever gets invited into the Green Zone for movie and pizza parties?

I am now stuck with Diana’s porn collection. Which cannot be freecycled or sold on ebay if I want to use paypal. And really, do I want people who are buying nun porn to know where I live?

I’ve now wasted six hours of my day trying to find a worthy home for all this porn when my friend who works at the Pentagon calls me with a brilliant sollution: Donate the movies to The Walter Reed VA Hospital for patients who are recovering from amputation. What doctor wouldn’t want their patients to have satisfying sex lives?

I call Walter Reed and talk to the Army liaison in charge of getting portable DVD players donated to patients. When I tell her about the porn she laughs, “Hon, there’s no sex in the Army.”

And, now in addition to having too many director samples, I have a porn surplus.

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